It’s hard to explain what it’s like to have ADHD to someone who doesn’t have it.
Just listing the symptoms and citing some respected sources doesn’t help. I mean, what the hell, a normie might think – if you want to do something, just go do it! Stop whining, buckle down, and try. You’re just not trying hard enough! That’s why you’re not completing your tasks; that’s why you’re always late to everything; that’s why you quit or get fired from every job you have.
You’re just lazy, that’s all!
I decided to write this article for these well-meaning naysayers. So without further ado, here’s a brief glimpse into what it’s like to be in a body with an ADHD brain.
How A Person with ADHD Thinks: A Glimpse
7:00 AM
BOOM – you’re jolted into consciousness. You lay there stunned, not knowing where “there” is.
Then it all comes flooding back.
The alarm clock’s ringing, birds are singing, and there’s sunlight seeping into your room from behind drawn curtains.
God-damn-it.
Is it time to wake up already?
Okay, no problem. You could do this. All it takes is a little will power. Be strong. Be proactive. You could do this.
Up, you silently command yourself.
Nothing moves – not an arm, a leg, or a toe. You have an erection though. And you have to pee. Stupid body.
Up, you silently say again, but this time more forcefully. Get up. Now.
Nothing.
Then the little you in your head gets desperate; he starts screaming and pounding on the inside of your skull until your head is thumping.
GET UP YOU WORTHLESS, LAZY, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING, PIECE OF–
The abuse does the trick. Your body finally seems willing to listen. You roll over, reach out blindly, and turn off the alarm clock. The incessant ringing ceases. You lay on your back and stare at the ceiling.
Your body goes limp again. It seems to sink deeper into the mattress.
It’s obvious that your body doesn’t respond well to authority. You try a different tact.
Come on, you implore desperately. Still nothing. Your heart sinks and you just don’t understand what’s wrong with you.
Please get up. Please – I’m begging you.
I will, you respond to yourself. Just give it a minute. Don’t worry about a thing; we’ve done this a billion and one times. Everything’s gravy, baby.
7:40 AM
Your eyes open. You stretch and yawn.
You glance at the clock.
Oh shit!
You jump off of bed too quickly and get dizzy. You’re wobbling now at the edge of your bed, still sitting but trying to get up.
“Come on, come on, come on,” you mutter out loud.
Boom – you sprint to the bathroom. No time to shave, no time to do too much with your hair. You have to get to work; you can make it if you hustle. You’ll probably be 10 minutes late, but that’s better than not showing up.
Goddamn it, maybe you should just quit. This job sucks anyway.
No, no, no – go, go, go. You’re in the bathroom already.
Turn on the faucet, wash your face fast, get the crust out of your eyes. Wake up. Grab the toothbrush, apply the toothpaste, and scrub your teeth quickly, don’t waste time, scrub, scrub, scrub.
Spit, rinse – skip the mouthwash, let’s go.
Grab some clothes, any old clothes, and go. Toss them all on, quickly; adjust them when you’re in your car and waiting for it to warm up.
Where’s your wallet? Great, got it. Go!
Phew, made it outside. Get to your car. Oh shoot! You forgot to apply deoderant. Go back, quick!
Got it. Done.
What’s the time?
7:55 AM
Okay not too bad. You’ll just be a little late. Thank goodness you set your alarm to go off so early.
But what’s wrong with you? No matter what time you set your alarm, you’re always freakin’ late. You useless sack of –
Hello darkness, my old friend.
Ugh, you can’t wait for this day to just be over. Tonight you’re going to watch the next episode of The Walking Dead – they ruined that show though. Carl Grimes died for nothing. If Daryl dies, we riot.
Suddenly, you hear Rick screaming in your head: Kwaaaaaarrel! LOOOOORI!
You smile. Then you yawn. Suddenly, you’re screaming and stretching.
Then you lean on the sink, trying to psyche yourself up to get going.
Man, I’m tired, you think. Wouldn’t it be great if work wasn’t a thing? Man. You should have been born rich.
Then you frown.
Are you seriously staring at the mirror talking to yourself right now? How long have you been standing here?
8:04 AM
Back outside.
But that Rick guy–what a fantastic actor, man. It’s a sin though that almost everybody from the original season is gone. What were the writers thinking? It’s like life is totally pointless and random even in The Walking Dead. Like why even follow their stories if they were all going to die like ants, brutally and for no reason? People read or watch fiction to escape the horrors of life, not to be reminded of them – right?
Alexandria will not fall! you hear King Ezekiel exclaim. You see him rushing into the fortress of Alexandria with his sword lifted above his head. His voice echoes and caroms around your skull.
Not on this day!
You smile. You start raising your hand to act out the part, but stop yourself. There are other people around and you don’t want them calling 911 to report a loon on the loose.
Wait, where the hell did you park your car again?
Crap – you’ve been walking blindly. Damn it, not again, you freakin’ space head. You should just move into a cave and wait for a bear or some shit to maul you – that’s all you’re good for.
Oh, maybe you parked it around this corner – no, no, there were no spots there, remember?
You know what? Just go home, go back to sleep, and then, when you wake up, kill yourself.
Stop, stop, stop. Calm down. Okay, so you stopped by McDonald’s after work last night – you remember because you broke your diet and got a large strawberry shake. Then you came up this street and –
Oh yeah. You remember now.
You find your car and breathe a sigh of relief.
Yes, yes, yes, let’s do this thing!
You dig through your pockets, calmly at first, then frantically. Your chest tightens; your throat clogs up.
“F**K!!” you suddenly shout, flailing like a maniac, forgetting that other people exist. “F**K!”
You pound the top of your car and recoil at the pain. You look up at the sky as if to say, “Funny, dude. Real funny.”
Then, keeping your head low, your eyes on the ground, and massaging your aching hand, you resignedly walk back to your home – slowly now, because screw it, whatever happens happens, and f**k your boss, f**k your job, f**k life.
Despite your rebelliousness, anxiety grips you. You start to panic. You need an excuse for coming in super late. Your mind races, searching every nook and cranny of your brain for a good one. Your grandma’s sick, maybe? You got into an accident? You tried to kill yourself but failed because you suck at life?
Ugh.
You’re amazed at yourself. You’ve really outdone yourself this time. You shake your head and say out loud, “I can’t believe I forgot my car keys again!”
What Having ADHD Feels Like
Okay, let’s put it this way – let’s say the world is a gym.
Living with ADHD is like always having a barbell with no weights laying atop your chest. You’re trying to push it up – just one rep, you tell yourself, I can do it, I think I can, I think I can – but the freakin’ thing won’t budge. You do EVERYTHING you can to try to make it budge, even just a little.
You’ve tried being religious and begging God to forgive you for doing whatever the hell you did to deserve this.
You’ve tried repeating, “I think I can, I think I can.”
You’ve visualized a whole lot of positive shit.
You’ve even tried screaming and going Super Saiyan.
Nothing works.
Absolutely nothing works.
Meanwhile, everyone around you is laughing at you or disgusted by how weak you are. It must be a personality flaw, they think. He just doesn’t want it enough. He’s got to want it.
How could they understand? They’re lifting heavier and heavier as time goes by, doing rep after rep. And it’s not like they’re not struggling; on the contrary, they’re huffing and puffing and pouring sweat out of every orifice. Life ain’t easy for anyone, after all. But they push through it and they’re getting stronger and stronger and stronger.
You?
You’re still as wiry as you ever were.
Other Ways to Say It
Having ADHD – especially ADHD-PI – is like playing a video game and being stuck on the first level.
It’s like knowing – absolutely knowing – one thing but feeling the exact opposite.
It’s like driving through a bumpy road in a heavy fog with dirty headlights.
It’s like wearing sunglasses while walking around indoors.
It’s like trying to love something you hate.
It sucks.